For years, the winds howled past the windows at Coinbase—unimpressed, indifferent, as if whispering: “Join the frosty orgy of financial brinkmanship. Surrender the treasury to Bitcoin, like Saylor. Go on—be a legend. Or a footnote.”
Bloomberg, a chronicler of capitalist follies, tells us—perhaps with a stifled grin—that the Coinbase brass toyed with this idea more than once. “Should we toss all our silver into the Bitcoin abyss?” mused Brian Armstrong, not so much with conviction as with the world-weary sarcasm of a man who’s watched his favorite socks disappear in the laundry, year after year.
Armstrong, with the face of one who’s had his trust fund set on fire in front of him, explained the predicament via video call on May 9th. Would becoming a Bitcoin zealot make them the toast of the crypto world, or just burned toast? “We made a conscious choice about risk,” said Armstrong. He did not clarify if the risk was bankruptcy, madness, or waking up with Saylor’s hair.
Their financial oracle, Alesia Haas, added that they didn’t want to compete with customers. “We’re not just going to try and out-HODL the HODLers!” she joked, presumably stone-faced. Nevertheless, May 8 saw another $153 million tucked into Bitcoin and playthings—because what’s $153 million between friends?
Coinbase has now amassed 9,480 Bitcoin (only $988 million; barely enough for a small moon colony), meaning they’re the ninth-largest corporate hoarder, behind Tesla, Miners, and, of course, The Saylor Playbook.
Dozens of Apollo-wannabes now emulate Saylor, emptying the company pantry in hopes of stardom or, perhaps, a nice shiny poncho to wear at their shareholder meetings. Over 100 public companies globally clutch their Bitcoin bags, alongside ETF wizards, twenty-six shadowy private shops, and a dozen entire countries—a small army, if somewhat disorganized.
Coinbase deepens derivative offerings through Deribit acquisition
While everyone else is busy counting coins and dreaming of laser eyes, Coinbase—never one to be left out of a party—has gone and bought Deribit for $2.9 billion. Now they control the largest pile of crypto derivatives known to man (or, at least, to accountants).
No more lurking in Bermuda’s financial shadows, either: with this deal, Coinbase steps into the blinding light of global crypto derivative dominance. Deribit, which has allegedly shuffled $1 trillion across the table in 2024 alone, brings baggage—the fun kind: $30 billion in open interest and enough volatility to keep anyone up at night.
Coinbase is now the “global leader” in crypto derivatives trading—at least until next week’s headlines. But if history has taught us anything, it’s that winter is always coming. Best keep your Bitcoin close and your derivatives closer. ☃️📉
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2025-05-11 07:04